TREAT OR BEAT? - Reema.Gehi
Zero punishment with incentives or
whacking-only-when-necessary? Two young moms annouce their verdict
When kids act out, what do parents
do? British Cabinet Minister Chris Grayling smacks his children to ‘send a
message’ when they behaved badly. Alan E Kazdin, author of the Kazdin Method for
Parenting the Defiant Child, would call Grayling’s strategy ineffective. “The
rate of misbehaviour does not decline, in fact, the problem behaviour returns,
even if the parent escalates the punishment,” he says. Mirror investigates two
points of view.
‘Just raise an eyebrow’
Prabhadevi resident and HR professional
Preeti Gulati, can’t remember a single instance in the last six years when she
has felt the need to raise a hand on her kids, six-year-old Anaisha and
four-year-old Aarush. “When an adult hits a child, it’s a show of power by the
strong over the weak. It frightens kids, and embarrasses them. I’d suggest that
parents desist from even scolding their kids in public; it can have an adverse
emotional impact on them. Just raising an eyebrow can be an effective
indication that they must behave themselves,” she says. Else, take them to a
corner and explain why their behaviour is inappropriate, Gulati suggests.
For the 35-year-old, what’s worked is taking away their privileges when they won’t listen to her. When they do, she rewards them. If it’s a tantrum you are battling, ignoring works wonders. She speaks of a recent instance when Anaisha insisted on snacking on chips just before dinner. Gulati told her she’d allow her to eat chips the next day as an evening snack. Anaisha vowed never to eat dinner, if she wasn’t allowed to eat chips. Gulati says she ignored the fit, and when dinner was served, Anaisha was fine.
For the 35-year-old, what’s worked is taking away their privileges when they won’t listen to her. When they do, she rewards them. If it’s a tantrum you are battling, ignoring works wonders. She speaks of a recent instance when Anaisha insisted on snacking on chips just before dinner. Gulati told her she’d allow her to eat chips the next day as an evening snack. Anaisha vowed never to eat dinner, if she wasn’t allowed to eat chips. Gulati says she ignored the fit, and when dinner was served, Anaisha was fine.
“Once you say no, you have to stick
with it. Else, the child sees screaming as a convincing tool. At the same time,
stick to your word. The following day, I made sure Anaisha got the chips.”
Sometimes, her mommy love takes over, “You have to give in sometimes. But the trick is not to say yes, immediately after a no. This
works for my children,”she says.
‘At times, you’ve to whack them’
While modern parenting is in vogue,
Rupa Manek, a mother and design agency head says occasional strict and
traditional parenting did no one any harm. The Goregaon resident, who has two
children — 10-year-old Nuha and eight-year-old Ayaan — says, “Whacking a child
isn’t good, but it depends on the situation and the age of the child.” She
remembers a recent family camping trip to Kolad. While the parents were around
a campfire, skewing food on the barbeque, Ayaan began flinging stones into the
fire. “I told him repeatedly that a flare up could be dangerous. Finally, he
got a smack for not listening and egging the other kids.”
Children, she argues, forget and move on very easily. “By resorting to a firm measure, you sends out a signal that some things you just don’t do.” Manek always takes the conversation route first. Explaining why they must behave a certain way, and depriving them of things they desire works effectively on most days. “If they don’t get the message, I let the strict disciplinarian in me take over,” she admits.
Children, she argues, forget and move on very easily. “By resorting to a firm measure, you sends out a signal that some things you just don’t do.” Manek always takes the conversation route first. Explaining why they must behave a certain way, and depriving them of things they desire works effectively on most days. “If they don’t get the message, I let the strict disciplinarian in me take over,” she admits.
‘Talk to the child’
Clinical
psychologist Dr Seema Hingorrany has a clear stand on corporal punishment.
“Physical punishment is a form of bullying and achieves nothing. What it does
is emotionally affect kids, turning them into fearful individuals.” Parents who
resort to slapping need to ask themselves if they are letting social,
environmental or economic stress influence them. “What helps is talking to the
child. Tell the child what the acceptable behaviour is. Not doing that and
expecting the child to behave in a certain way is not fair.”
The line between an occasional whack
and abuse is thin, she warns. “Once, the mother of a child who suffered from
Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, was so exasperated, she grabbed his
hand and placed it on hot gas. Parenting is tough, and if you have a special
child, it gets even more difficult. Seek therapy, speak to friends, give
yourself and the child time out.”
Dr Kazdin says the task parents have
on hand is to help kids change their behaviour, and there are more effective
ways of disciplining. Positive reinforcement for alternative behaviours is one.
This ranges from offering rewards and praise, shaping desired behaviour and
developing repeated practice.
Courtesy: p.25. Mumbai Mirror, 28.2.13
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